there are some things you cannot outrun
by cyclothimic
Summary: tumblr prompt: you probably are busy writing other stuff so just don't mind me if you don't want to. Lena's funeral. l or Kara doesn't know how to deal when it's Lena's funeral [part 4 of the 'cold bones' series]


**this has been sitting in my documents for like two months, because i was reluctant to upload it and hurt y'all :'). and then i remember: i'm not that kind, so here you go.**

 **and hey, listen, someone prompted me. i was planning on ending this series once and for all. but someone prompted me, and i thought, sure.**

 **now, read, ponder, and...enjoy?**

* * *

 _Here is the riddle of love: everything it gives you, it takes away._

 _-The Dovekeepers, Alice Hoffman_

* * *

The sun had long gone, dipping down the horizon along with the exhalation of final breaths and spoken words, all of them in unison and yet special in their own ways to their own people. In its place, moon had risen to shine upon the humans, offering consolation to those who needed it and illuminating paths to those who were lost. The city was ignorant, unbeknownst, enraptured in its own noisy nature and not at all concerned with the lives that had been lost that day.

The clock above the door ticked away, each second, minute, and hour passing by, the constant ticking a reminder that the time gone could not be retrieved. Irreversible. Irreparable. Decaying tissue. Stopping heart. Brilliant minds gone to waste.

It could have been hours, even days – ask Kara and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference. There was no point to telling the difference. She sat there by the bedside, in a room that she knew she would no longer occupied, equipped with the knowledge that there was no room she could occupy anymore without the ache echoing in her chest to resonate with loneliness and longing, unable to tear her eyes away from the lifeless body that had been so _full of life_.

Alex, Winn, and J'onn walked by the room every now and then, shrinking away from approaching her, only to make sure that she was still breathing. James and Maggie had come as soon as they heard the almost inhumane roar that Kara had unleashed upon the city hours ago, uncertain of what they could do and how they could cope with this recent loss that would mark a significant gap in their lives. Lucy showed up after a long drive from the headquarters, sobbing instantly after learning the news.

But Kara was glued to the chair, motionless and mute.

She couldn't summon the tears. She couldn't summon the voice. She couldn't summon the physical hunger for sustenance. She couldn't summon the need for rest. She didn't know how to do all those without letting go, and she didn't how to let go.

Eventually, early hours in the morning, when the shape of her bum must have made a permanent mark on the chair, when the DEO had emptied out, when her friends had nothing to do but to stand by the door and watch her, she tightened her grip on the body's hand, pressing her forehead against their fingers.

A pained whisper sounded across the room.

"I don't know how to live without you, Lena."

And that was that.

* * *

She would have blown up if it wasn't for the complete lack of energy in her to even dress herself. The guy at the funeral home had handed her a plastic bag filled with the clothes that Lena had worn on her back and the ring, expressionless and insensitively shoved it in her hands before leaving to deal with the rest of his duties. And she stared at the ring and almost burned the entire place down.

Alex had then taken the bag from her, gingerly fishing out the ring and stomping into the room that the guy had exited to. With Winn's hand on her back, she listened to her sister tear the man a new one.

"You put this back on her _now_ ," Alex growled. "What the actual _fuck_ is wrong with you? My sister's _wife_ just _died_ and you have the audacity to just hand over the ring like it's nothing! Put it back where it belongs, you asshole. And _then_ you move the coffin."

When Alex stomped back out, her angry expression instantly shifted into one of sympathy and pity, which Kara definitely didn't need but would take. She let her sister hold her head in her hands and rest their foreheads together. She numbly stared as Alex attempted to catch her eyes. She barely felt Alex's trembling breath against her skin, almost certain that her own lungs weren't functioning properly.

"We're here, Kara," Alex whispered, her dark brown eyes glossy with unshed tears. "I'm here. Let me worry about everything, okay? You can – you just –" Alex closed her mouth into a firm line as she struggled to find the right words. "Just breathe, okay?" she finally offered.

Breathe. Yeah, Kara could do that, as much as she didn't want to. She could do that.

* * *

"I'm sorry."

Barry, Oliver, pretty much everyone had showed up at the cemetery and told her the same thing. And she just gave them a nod and looked back to the carefully dug out rectangular hole, waiting to be filled.

She listened as her friends moved over to Alex. Alex told them, "She hasn't talked since that day."

There were reporters, journalists, and the general population of National City, all taking up spaces to show respect to a woman they hardly knew – a woman they had first vilified and later idolized. Kara wanted to ask them to leave, wanted to crash their equipment, wanted to fling them into space. They didn't deserve her. Nobody deserved her.

But she knew _Lena_ deserved _this._ A show of respect and a recognition of her actions throughout the years. Her wife deserved this, and Kara wouldn't dare to take away something she deserved.

The funeral officer approached the front of the coffin and began to conduct the service. Kara heard not a word. Her eyes were glued to the wooden box by the hole, wherein laid the woman she would never be able to stop loving. And then he announced Alex to speak her eulogy, that was when Kara tore her eyes away from the coffin to her sister.

Her sister had quietly accepted the duty, knowing that Kara wouldn't be able to do it. Alex tapped her fingers against the podium, biting her lip and chin shaking, and then she inhaled shakily, blinking up to the sky before she started speaking.

"Lena Luthor was a hero," Alex began. And then she frowned, correcting, " _Is_ a hero." The redhead set her chin, stood straighter, and nodded to the crowd and to herself. "She gave and gave and gave, and she never asked for anything back. Even when this city, this nation, the entire fucking world, didn't give her enough time of the day to properly consider her as a hero, she never gave in and she always gave on. I will admit I was one of those people. I saw bad in every good she did. I was suspicious of her. I didn't trust her. And I can't be more _thankful_ that my sister has befriended her, even married her, and allowed me to become part of her circle, letting me know this stubbornly kind and incredibly intelligent woman."

Kara watched as her sister paused and took another deep breath. The tears were freely rolling down her cheeks now and Kara couldn't bring herself to stand up and go to her. In any other occasion, she would have berated herself for being so stiff. But now, she allowed herself this. Her sister told her to breathe earlier and it was the only thing she could do now.

"You know her as Lena Luthor, CEO of L-Corp, entrepreneur, scientist, philanthropist," Alex listed out, waving her hand flimsily in the air. "But to me, to us –" the hand gestured at their row "– we know her as Lena, a wife, a friend, and an absolute home wrecker in terms of Monopoly. I remember this one time, when we were playing Monopoly and everyone legitimately thought they had a chance of winning because Lena didn't have a lot of properties, but nearing the end of the game, she absolutely decimated everyone. She had somehow managed to get herself enough funds through some of the craziest moves I've ever seen anyone pull during Monopoly. When we realized how she fooled us, the only thing we could do was get ourselves drunk, because we should have known that a woman with the smarts and strategic thinking like Lena Luthor can never be defeated."

Sobbing laughs echoed across the family and friends. The only thing Kara could do was see that signature Lena Luthor smirk in her head, triumphant in her win and shameless in potentially ruining friendships. Alex nodded at the crowd, the sad grin on her face shifting into a sad smile.

"Yeah, Lena was undefeatable. When she set her mind on something, she never gave up until she achieved her goal. Unfortunately, this was one fight she couldn't win. At the end of the day, her body became her own traitor, and that is the most unfair thing I could have ever encountered in my life." Alex sighed, blinking rapidly to prevent more tears from slipping out. "Because of Lena Luthor, children are able to receive the treatment they need and parents won't have to worry about costs. Because of Lena Luthor, National City University has seen an influx of incredibly intelligent young men and women who will no doubt contribute to the nation and even the world in the future. Because of Lena Luthor, the alien amnesty act received an incomparable ally who had done more for the promotion of the act than anybody else. Because of Lena Luthor, the Luthor name was rebranded into something better – something heroic."

Watching Alex take a long pause and stare down at the speech she had written, Kara knew it was coming to an end. Despite the seemingly burgeoning ache in her every cell, she found appreciation for her sister. Alex had said everything she had wanted to but couldn't. Alex had always been her sound box.

"Lena Luthor is a hero. And losing her will always leave a gap in me and my family's lives, irreplaceable. So, Lena," Alex looked up to the sky, "if you're seeing this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It's been a privilege. We love you."

* * *

It still felt like home. It was lesser. There was no familiar sound of keyboard clicking in the study. No frustrated sighs or excited laugh resounding from various corners. No pale arms and pearl white teeth exposed in a smile to welcome her home. It was lesser.

But there was the throw recklessly tossed over the back of the couch, still carrying the lavender and the essence of its previous owner. Photo frames were arranged neatly on the shelf behind the television, each of them depicting priceless memories. Another shelf was adorned with awards and plaques that had been earned by the two of them in their careers. Their dog tottered over to his bed by the armchair once released from his leash, whining every few seconds. It still felt like home.

Kara padded into the kitchen for the kibble bag and poured a generous amount of kibble into the dog bowl, nudging with her foot and calling for a dog with a weak whistle. He didn't come. She understood. The fridge was still stocked with health foods, the diet that Alex had designed and Kara had resorted herself to. She closed it and went for the bedroom.

It was when she saw the bed that she realized something. From now on, crawling into bed would be the hardest thing she had to do. Falling asleep would take more than Kryptonian effort.

With that realization, she understood something else. She wasn't the least bit prepared for it. For the days to come. For the eternal without the one thing – the one person – that made her feel like it was all worth it. For heroism without the home she always came back to. For this place to stop feeling like a home.

She bolted to the balcony, tripping over her own two feet as she scrambled to take off her clothing and fly out to the empty atmosphere in her suit. Italy, where she used to pick up Lena's favorite cheese from that store in the alley. Paris, where she bought the ring while visiting Diana. Malaysia, where they had their honeymoon. Thailand, where they celebrated their first anniversary. Bora-Bora, where they had their very first vacation together.

Supergirl stopped at Ireland, atop the Cliff of Moher, and stared at the dark sea, black and bleak as the way she felt right now. She sat down at the edge, legs dangling over the edge and hands grasping desperately at the grass. Eventually, she caught the streak of yellow lightning across the sea, gone in an instance, and then there was someone sitting beside her.

She turned slightly and found someone she didn't expect. Felicity Smoak was there, glasses perched neatly on her nose and hair tied back into a neat ponytail, dressed in a pea coat and comfortably warm clothes underneath.

Kara licked her lips and just nodded before turning back to the sea. "I proposed to her here," she whispered. Her voice sounded like she had just dragged it across gravel and burned it in hot lava. The first time she had spoken in one whole day.

Felicity hummed, hugging her coat closer. "Nice," she replied in a similarly low tone, which was better.

Lena had always loved this place for its quietness and peace, and Kara didn't think she would ever forgive anyone who tried to shatter that.

"She stayed in Ireland for six years. A boarding school nearby. And she told me that during the weekends, she would lug her schoolwork and stuff into her car and drive over here. There's an old lady with a cottage a few miles from here who would always let her stay, even though they didn't even know each other in the beginning," Kara started talking, remembering how nervous Lena had gotten when she wanted to introduce her to Mrs. Tildon. "She told me that of all the places she'd been, this one felt most like home. Until she met me."

Felicity shifted a bit, jostling her coat and tugging at her collar. Kara could feel her staring. "Kara," she pronounced gently, like a little roughness would topple Kara over, like she understood. And Kara didn't think anyone would understand what it was like. "Have you cried today?"

Kara jerked and Felicity had to place a gentle hand on her arm to steady her. She should be angry at the question. Felicity had no right. The alien was ready to turn on her and yell, but what she saw behind those glasses stopped her. Instead of the sympathy and the general callousness of someone who didn't understand what it was like to lose a spouse, Felicity looked utterly solemn and concerned.

The momentary anger that flashed in Kara's chest was just that – momentary. She shook her head, finding an ironic sort of anchor by keeping her gaze locked with Felicity's. "No."

The other blonde only nodded and looked back to the see, but the hand on her arm was still there, a form of support that Kara wouldn't shake off. Only splashes of waves and occasional cries of nocturnal birds participated in an unbalanced symphony of the night, until Felicity joined in.

"Three years ago, Oliver died." Kara frowned, having not known this before. "Or I thought he did. We all thought he did. It's a long story that I can tell you another time." Felicity squeezed harder on Kara's arm, looking like she was remembering one of the worst parts of her life. "I won't tell you that I understand how you feel right now, because everyone grieves differently and, as unfair as it sounds, Oliver is obviously very much alive. But I do know what it's like to lose someone who's so…ingrained in you, so embalmed in your life that you know losing them will create this big irreparable hole in you." Felicity scooted closer to Kara and said, "When I thought I'd lost him forever, I couldn't – I didn't know how to go on. Go on doing the things that he introduced me to. The things that made me fall in love with him. Heroism. Saving lives. I pretty much gave up on Team Arrow and just…tried to survive. That was before we even got together, and I went to bed every night thinking that I wouldn't be able to even have the chance to have him hold me." She went quiet for a little bit, as if trying to construct the right words and correct sentences. "But here's the thing: I did survive. I started to accept that he was gone. And I found a way to live without him, even though it was just for a month before he came back." Felicity took a deep breath and exhaled loudly. "Like I said, I won't tell you that I know what it's like. It's different. I just want you to know that it's okay if you want to take time off and just grieve; you have every right to. Take as long as you need. And know that one day, no matter how far away that future seems to be, you _will_ be able to do it. To stand up and continue to be a journalist, and if you want, put on that suit again and save lives."

It wasn't much of a reassurance, but she knew that Felicity didn't mean it to be. The woman from Starling City just wanted to be there for her, because she had experienced somewhat of the same thing before. The same couldn't be said about everyone else.

"I may not know Lena very well as compared to all of you, but I am a pretty good judge of character. I've seen the way she looked at you, how proud she was to be your wife and be the person you go home to. And I know that when you do stand up again, she will so very proud of you."

"I don't know how," Kara whimpered, lowering her gaze to her dangling boots.

Felicity hummed and wrapped her arm around Kara's shoulders. "As long as you need, Kara. I'm sure they won't blame you. And I hope I'm not crossing a line here, but if you ever need someone, you know where to find you." She placed her chin on Kara's shoulder and offered a meek smile. "I've been told I make some pretty mean chocolate cookies."

Kara didn't laugh. She wouldn't be able to find that laughter for a long time, she knew that. But for now, she returned Felicity's smile with gratitude and turned back to the sea, which had calmed for some bizarre reason.

"Thank you, Felicity."

Hours later, when dawn almost broke, she flew with Felicity and dropped her off at the hotel she was staying with Oliver. She went back to the place that would eventually stop being a home and crawled into bed. Not long later, Barney padded in and climbed onto the bed, claiming the space that Lena used to occupy. She snuggled close to him and buried her nose in his hair.

* * *

" _Supergirl has been missing in action for two months, as long as we found out that Lena Luthor has passed away from pancreatic cancer. Crime rate has risen again. Rogue aliens are taking advantage of her absence to antagonize the citizens. National City is left wondering if they have lost another hero forever."_

* * *

 **i haven't written felicity in so long, and i forgot how much i enjoy writing felicity smoak. she's amazing and she's still my fave in dctv, despite how much arrow fucking sucks.**

 **also, don't yell at me. and if you have a prompt in mind, feel free to hit me up on my tumblr at overcanary or twitter at embettah.**


End file.
